No Condemnation

As I sit here and reflect how dramatically life is going to change for me and my little family in just over a weeks time I can't help but also be feeling a bit negative, scared and full of anxiety. Not at the thought of looking in to our new, beautiful baby girls face, but at the thought of experiencing the same sort of postpardum depression and anxiety that over took me for almost a month after Logan was born. It started a few days ago. I had been feeling generally relaxed and excited and then it hit. I think a lot of it has to do with how big and uncomfortable I have become. My body is so cumbersome and movement from the floor to an upright position has all but become impossible. I can't help but laugh when Logan pops up from the floor and wants me to chase him and it takes me over a full minute to even right myself. All the while he's yelling "come on Mommy, come on!!".

The moment after Logan was born we bonded instantaneously. I was flooded with a love that I have never experienced before. It is violent in the sense that I would do ANYTHING to protect this little being that is now in my care. Then it hit. The tears and the irrational fears. I don't think I slept for 6 to 7 days beyond a 5 minute cat nap here or there that my body fell in to because of it's exhaustion. Even after those 5 minutes I would jolt awake gasping for breath and wondering where my baby was. I didn't want anyone holding him or even visiting for that matter. I was scared that someone, even a family member was going to try and take him. I knew that those fears were irrational but they were there nonetheless. I was only 100% relaxed when my mom was holding him. She even took him in to her room a couple of nights which finally allowed me to sleep. She would bring him in to me to nurse when the time was right. That was a gift she gave me that I will never, ever forget. I know those nights for her were sleepless as she stood guard over my most precious and irreplacable little boy just so her daughter could have peace of mind and sleep. Looking back on it now I know that those feelings and anxieties I was experiencing were not normal and I should have gone to see my doctor about it. With it being my first child how was I to know what was normal and what wasn't? Thankfully those days are long gone but now that I'm getting ready to give birth again I'm fearful of what my body and mind will go through this time.

I like to think that my relationship with the Lord is so deep and strong that I can just will my thoughts and fears over to Him and let Him do what He does best, be in control. I think most of you will also agree though that that is easier said than done. Especially when raging hormones are involved. The leader of our small group Bible study gifted me a 365 day small devotional written by Sarah Young recently. I've only ready through about a weeks worth so far but it has touched my soul already. I've loved it so much I've even read ahead a few pages/days. Last night I was reading about how the Lord wants us to find peace in Him. Being a believer for over 27 years now that is something that we say and hear people say but don't allow ourselves to actually do when the going gets tough. I love though how Ms. Young wrote that as the Kings child we are robed/clothed in His righteousness. He wants us to look deep into His eyes and find that there is NO CONDEMNATION! That hit me hard. Hard enough to bring tears to my eyes. I do view my relationship with the Lord as one where He is standing at the head of the class and pointing to all of my areas that need work. Not to embarass me but to make me better, more like Him. What a refreshing new perspective though to read that He looks on me with love and without condemnation just because I am HIS child. How utterly refreshing and relieving.

I've felt in a battle all day today. Satan knows full well my weaknesses and I can feel him breathing on my neck getting ready to use the birth of my baby as a time to weaken me and bring me to my knees with negative emotions. I'm trying desperately to stay focused on the eyes of my heavenly Father, Creator, Lord and Savior and the one in whom there is no condemation. To whoever might read this I ask for your prayers this week especially and in the coming weeks ahead. That I would be able to find victory in the Lord and glorify Him in this process of welcoming the child He has so graciously blessed me with in to this world.